crib zone

foreword: fuck!

what do you mean a foreword isn't a single word?!? you should start calling it forewords then. nitwits! i'm just having fun cribbing about stuff on here. it isn't meant to have any semblance of logic or coherence. its just shit i come up with from my own lil fucked up head...hm, maybe i should've just stuck with 'fuck!' o well, here it goes...this one is dedicated to the Invisible Pink Unicorn who nobody pays attention to just because its invisible and yet pink...

*zoom in*
mmmmm, invisible pink unicorn...

Owing to the tremendous advancements in the field of psychiatry, depression was something people could fight against. Na, scratch that! Hmmm, let me see…ah, here we go! Due to the tremendous advancements in various fields, the most important of them being p2p networks and torrents, porno was made much more easily, illegally and freely obtainable to people of all ages, including small little kids who hadn’t ever heard [of] Eminem and thereby hadn’t ever watched the rhinoceri humping each other in the slim shady video or gotten the idea of watching the Discovery Channel from the lyrics. Shit, I forgot what I was saying. O yea, depression! Right, major advancements in the porn [sharing] industry were finally turning the tide for the people. But unfortunately, causality rears its ugly head. Or, as Merovingian so aptly puts it, “We are all victims of causality. I drink too much wine, I must take a piss. Cause and effect. Au revoir!” Let me put it in layman’s terms. If something is done, something happens because the something that was done was done…cause and effect. For example, you drink a lot of alcohol just after you’ve had a heavy lunch, you puke. You don’t? Well I do, but I guess I’ll have to look for a more general example. Ah, here we go…you watch Ellen DeGeneres dance, you puke. If you don’t have anything inside you to puke, you die of pure unadulterated horror. The consequences of these advancements were dire. God got all bored and shit, what with people running around non-depressedly and stuff. So he [sic] decided to unleash a new wave of horror unto this plane [sic].

In the beginning, there were less of depressive ailments. God said ‘let there be reality shows’ and there were. After the first season(s), circumstances grew beyond god’s control. So he said ‘fuck, I’m out of here!’ and willed himself out of existence. And the world was wreathed in chaos and pandemonium, which initially came in the form of poor imitations of American deepthr Idol. To its credit though, American deepthr Idol did give us its share of moments, like weird banana dude and sounds-like-she’s-being-humped woman. Not to mention the poor imitations, which offered such entertainment as the I-wanna-be-Mariah-Carey-even-though-I-can’t-fucking-speak-english-but-I’m still-gonna-try-to-pass-off-some-randomly-assorted-syllables-as-one-of-her popular-songs-lady, on the Bulgarian version of Idol.

Needless to say, depression rates skyrocketed. Especially with the advent of such shows as Idea Star Singer or whatever the fuck it is that they call it now…now that was a truly horrific show, especially since parents and neighbors watched it with zest, volume all the way to the max, while the poor children contracted nasty ear infections caused by stuffing whatever the fuck they could get their hands on quickly into their ears.

Oh, it’s not just singing shows. There are dancing shows, survival shows, fear factor (this one yours truly likes…so sorry), cooking shows, fashion designer shows, pay-per-view porn (*drool!*) Whoops, how did that get in here now? Fuck, I need to reorganize my channels. On second thought, hold on…let me er…reorganize them right now.

All right, I’m done watching reorganizing for now. Seriously though, what’s the point of poorly staged performances, bad actors and incompetent judges who assume attitudes handed out to them? These fucking bastards are besmirching the characteristics of classic porn, and making money off it without any actual sex! Well, sounds-like-she’s-being-humped woman being the only debatable exception. Just think of our children, think of the inspiration they’ll get to watch porn, think of all the condoms they’re gonna buy, think how expensive they’re going to be for you when you go get them at the shop next time around, and think of how many more children there are going to be when the price of condoms goes too high for you to afford them and you’re too scared to get your thingy *altered* and how many more condoms they’re going to buy. The very thought makes me sick!

The next thing you know, there’s going to be a reality show named ‘so you think you can blog’ and the expert celebrity judges are going to be Ellen I-dance-like-a-nerve-damaged-gibbon-juiced-up-on-acid DeGeneres, Barney the-pedophile-in-a-gay-looking-dinosaur-suit purple dinosaur and, well, Paula whee-I’m-in-a-world-of-my-own-inside-my-head-oops-I-go-poopie Abdul.

Hey, come to think of it, that isn’t a bad idea. Maybe I should market it and make millions and billions of dollars and stockpile condoms before they get frightfully expensive so I can sell a lot of them at exorbitant prices and make billions and trillions of more dollars. Damn I’m good…

Afterwords: Ok, this is verified fact...American Idol isn't the first one on the list. That credit goes to Pop Idol. Ellen DeGeneres can't dance worth a bloody fuck and yet insists on grinding her way through the braindead audience who cheer and drool and take off a good 10 years from their life. Idea Star Singer is a Mallu version of Idol, and it went on for as long as it takes a pair of three-toed sloths to meet, start dating, meet each others parents, plan the wedding, copulate like hell, travel around the world 63.674583 times and have a million kids. The second season is currently going on, and is expected to end by February 29, 2064