Tuesday, October 30, 2007


foreword: the characters that may/may not appear in the utter crap that follows may/may not be wholly/partially fictitious. any remote/startling/egad-is-that-really-him? resemblance to anyone living and/or dead may/may not be purely coincidental. the extreme extremeness of what follows may result in confusion and/or nausea and/or instant vaporisation of your brain. or maybe an obese guy who's allergic to platypi will sit on you. if you don't have a brain, well, good luck!!! one more thing...by agreeing to read the following material, you are waiving all rights to legal recourse. try suing and i shall set my batallion of rabid clowns on you. MUAHAHAHAHA HAHAHA HAHA HA!!!

so there we were, sitting in class, listening to a seminar on how Arithmetic Logic Units were shaped like underpants. our esteemed colleague, Mr. Lotus was in the process of artfully demonstrating it. beside me, the portly and apogenous Hektor (said to be a reincarnation of the ancient hero) sat impatiently, muttering under his breath. for we had uncovered a plot..."if only that perpetually inebriated imbecile would stop obsessing about underwear-shaped computer components, we could've done something about it!"

Ill Bates (evil laugh!), overlord of the skilfully concealed war machine,
MacrohardTM , was out to take over the world. for this purpose, he had spread a monster, an Unoperative System named Doors Pista® . it was worse than we thought it would be. a memory-sucking hyperbeing, it took over the brains of people, utilizing their craving for fancy interfaces (translation: o0o shiny!). the result was horrifying! people were transmogrified into pixelated warg-monsters who would obey Bates' every command. we were the only three who could stop this. if only that *expletive* would stop his *expletive* obsession with *expletive* undergarments.

several hours, brands and expletives later, we finally set out to save the world...Hektor, Uckilles (Mr. Lotus' alter ego...he's kinda obsessed with the hero so i decided to bestow upon him a homonym of his name), and me as my alter ego, RABID CLOWN MAN!!! (lightning, thunder, et al.)

OK, let's get back to the crap now...we needed to get to bates' place somehow. we couldn't fly ya know! we couldn't even afford those cheap hero suits made from lycra, let alone superpowers! at that precise moment, ultra-radiation from an imploding star permeated Hektor's eerily vacant cranium, resulting in the cosmic being who had taken up residence there saying "let there be light!" (translation: Hektor had an idea). he e-mailed a trojan horse (PUN INTENDED) to the airline computer.

* * *

we arrived at the pixelated behemoth that was MacrohardTM (after Uck had restocked on alcohol). the outer perimeter was being defended by a giant firewall. literally! pixelated blurs were heaping fuel onto the burning pyre. it was easy enough getting through them. i just yelled out 'coffee break!'. we walked in and right into an ambush. Uck held off the attacking blurs with his infamous drunken stance. meanwhile, we used Photoshop to sharpen them into nonexistence. that got pretty tiresome, so we just rebooted all the security computers.

when we walked in on him, he was discussing his plans for world domination with Igor, his evil rubber ducky. Uck, in his drunken haze, charged in to attack Ill (evil laugh!). but Hektor was geared up for his trademark finishing move...the supergigantic butt-slam. unfortunately, Uck (bless his soul!) was crushed into oblivion along with Igor and Ill (ah! fill it up yourself...) and the entire west wing.

all we had to do next was stop Bates' master computer. we tried everything; throwing it off the terrace, even Hektor's supergigantic butt-slam, but it proved to be indestructible. we sent the entire trojan horse, but it got so confused by the system that it imploded. typically, Doors® rebooted. Hektor was in tears at this point, and started banging my head against the keyboard. suddenly, against all odds, the screen turned blue...

Fatal system error. Self-destruct sequence initiated

"*expletive!* let's get outta here man..."

5 seconds remaining...4...3...2..."

"goodbye cruel world!!!"


15 minutes remaining
12 hours 37 minutes remaining
5 hours 6 minutes remaining
counting error...manual counting required

"let's just get outta here dude"

so, with the world saved and the threat of Ill Bates dealt with, our heroes lived wackily ever after.