i spy!!!

Ok, wow…for the first time in years, ma and I cleaned up my room. Those of you who have been there will know the extent of my messiness. This post is for those of you who haven’t been to my room. Of course, I wrote the above sentences with the impression that there might be people reading who may/may not know me and who may/may not give a fuck. Or I’d just be talking to myself, which is quite like me, so I guess that doesn’t change things in the least! So, armed with my trusty (and favourite) chequered blue hanky, and looking like a complete arse (read as terrorist), I set out to assist ma in clearing my room. For those of you (imaginary or otherwise) who do not know me, my room is a total mess. If an earthquake hit, it’d only look better. It must have something to do with the fact that the more intelligent the person, the more of a mess they make :) (Make a pj out of this and I kick your butt from wherever you are to Papua New Guinea! If you live in Papua New Guinea…yay! Thanks for dropping by. I never thought someone from Papua New Guinea would read my blog. Where is Papua New Guinea anyways? I’m obsessed with the country! All right, getting back to the topic at hand…)

(Uh-sama byn G-man)

I think I have already briefed you about the messiness of my room. Ma took a quick survey and decided to take my suggestion, which was ‘lets just clean the stuff on the floor now’, which essentially consisted of approximately a metric tonne of stuff dating back to two million years before the antediluvian era. Here is what we found on my floor…in chronological order, of course. O yea, it’s only fair to remind you, I’m currently waiting for the final year of my four year graduate course to start (just one set of exams to get through). What does this have to do with anything? Just read (do I here an echo?)

1. A pile of my laundry (yea, I just pile them up in a corner of my room)

2. A pair of old socks…old as in really, really old!

3. Three umbrellas. Now I know why there’s an umbrella shortage at home. Unfortunately, my ma didn’t see the lighter side of it. I feel extremely lucky to have escaped unscathed after being face to face with ma holding a couple of pretty big (and hard) umbrellae in her hands. Btw, why the fuck isn’t the plural of umbrella ‘umbrellae’?

4. Underneath all of that, my cricket bat!!! I’ve been searching for it for ages now. I can finally play again :D

5. A couple of my old school bags. One even had the matchbox I took for our chemistry practicals. That prompted awkward questions, understandably, it being my ma. My snoopy servant (who was there to help us) rummaged through the bag, found the matchbox, specifically went to my ma (who was standing in the opposite corner and getting some fresh air by the window) and told her about the matchbox. Thank goodness they didn’t go through the bag I currently use. If they’d opened up the side compartment, the room would’ve been flooded with the smell of tobacco :|

6. There were three separate piles of stuff in my room. One wasn’t exactly a pile; it was the bag I took during my trip to Mumbai. It still had a couple of the jeans I had taken there. Ma just had to quip “do you plan on keeping them in that bag till your next trip to Mumbai”. I couldn’t come up with a good retort, so I just stuck my tongue out at her and grinned goofily. Moms just have to have the last word, don’t they?

7. And then we came to the pile. Chest high, it consisted of every book known to an ISC student (albeit covered in a nice thick layer of dust, cobwebs, and clumps of lizard poop). Rummaged through that for a while…found a coupla items that I wanted to save. Kinda had to throw the rest out because ma was glaring holes right through me when I looked at some of the stuff longingly. Fortunately for me, she went outside the room to get some more fresh air, and I snuck a few books and papers onto my shelf when she was gone *evil grin!*

8. As it turned out, the pile was piled up on top of a carton filled with my ninth and tenth standard books. That has given me the inspiration I needed to complete ‘stuff, part 3’ (see 1 and 2 here).

9. My dust allergy…new and improved

Obviously, the above process took an hour. Three people working for an hour can do quite a bit of work. Hell, my floor is clean! Now there’s just my chair, my table, my shelf, my draw, the compartment under my draw, my dresser and my loft left to clean up. We have planned on commencing with stage 2 of operation nut-job, on Saturday.

crib zone

foreword: fuck!

what do you mean a foreword isn't a single word?!? you should start calling it forewords then. nitwits! i'm just having fun cribbing about stuff on here. it isn't meant to have any semblance of logic or coherence. its just shit i come up with from my own lil fucked up head...hm, maybe i should've just stuck with 'fuck!' o well, here it goes...this one is dedicated to the Invisible Pink Unicorn who nobody pays attention to just because its invisible and yet pink...

*zoom in*
mmmmm, invisible pink unicorn...

Owing to the tremendous advancements in the field of psychiatry, depression was something people could fight against. Na, scratch that! Hmmm, let me see…ah, here we go! Due to the tremendous advancements in various fields, the most important of them being p2p networks and torrents, porno was made much more easily, illegally and freely obtainable to people of all ages, including small little kids who hadn’t ever heard [of] Eminem and thereby hadn’t ever watched the rhinoceri humping each other in the slim shady video or gotten the idea of watching the Discovery Channel from the lyrics. Shit, I forgot what I was saying. O yea, depression! Right, major advancements in the porn [sharing] industry were finally turning the tide for the people. But unfortunately, causality rears its ugly head. Or, as Merovingian so aptly puts it, “We are all victims of causality. I drink too much wine, I must take a piss. Cause and effect. Au revoir!” Let me put it in layman’s terms. If something is done, something happens because the something that was done was done…cause and effect. For example, you drink a lot of alcohol just after you’ve had a heavy lunch, you puke. You don’t? Well I do, but I guess I’ll have to look for a more general example. Ah, here we go…you watch Ellen DeGeneres dance, you puke. If you don’t have anything inside you to puke, you die of pure unadulterated horror. The consequences of these advancements were dire. God got all bored and shit, what with people running around non-depressedly and stuff. So he [sic] decided to unleash a new wave of horror unto this plane [sic].

In the beginning, there were less of depressive ailments. God said ‘let there be reality shows’ and there were. After the first season(s), circumstances grew beyond god’s control. So he said ‘fuck, I’m out of here!’ and willed himself out of existence. And the world was wreathed in chaos and pandemonium, which initially came in the form of poor imitations of American deepthr Idol. To its credit though, American deepthr Idol did give us its share of moments, like weird banana dude and sounds-like-she’s-being-humped woman. Not to mention the poor imitations, which offered such entertainment as the I-wanna-be-Mariah-Carey-even-though-I-can’t-fucking-speak-english-but-I’m still-gonna-try-to-pass-off-some-randomly-assorted-syllables-as-one-of-her popular-songs-lady, on the Bulgarian version of Idol.

Needless to say, depression rates skyrocketed. Especially with the advent of such shows as Idea Star Singer or whatever the fuck it is that they call it now…now that was a truly horrific show, especially since parents and neighbors watched it with zest, volume all the way to the max, while the poor children contracted nasty ear infections caused by stuffing whatever the fuck they could get their hands on quickly into their ears.

Oh, it’s not just singing shows. There are dancing shows, survival shows, fear factor (this one yours truly likes…so sorry), cooking shows, fashion designer shows, pay-per-view porn (*drool!*) Whoops, how did that get in here now? Fuck, I need to reorganize my channels. On second thought, hold on…let me er…reorganize them right now.

All right, I’m done watching reorganizing for now. Seriously though, what’s the point of poorly staged performances, bad actors and incompetent judges who assume attitudes handed out to them? These fucking bastards are besmirching the characteristics of classic porn, and making money off it without any actual sex! Well, sounds-like-she’s-being-humped woman being the only debatable exception. Just think of our children, think of the inspiration they’ll get to watch porn, think of all the condoms they’re gonna buy, think how expensive they’re going to be for you when you go get them at the shop next time around, and think of how many more children there are going to be when the price of condoms goes too high for you to afford them and you’re too scared to get your thingy *altered* and how many more condoms they’re going to buy. The very thought makes me sick!

The next thing you know, there’s going to be a reality show named ‘so you think you can blog’ and the expert celebrity judges are going to be Ellen I-dance-like-a-nerve-damaged-gibbon-juiced-up-on-acid DeGeneres, Barney the-pedophile-in-a-gay-looking-dinosaur-suit purple dinosaur and, well, Paula whee-I’m-in-a-world-of-my-own-inside-my-head-oops-I-go-poopie Abdul.

Hey, come to think of it, that isn’t a bad idea. Maybe I should market it and make millions and billions of dollars and stockpile condoms before they get frightfully expensive so I can sell a lot of them at exorbitant prices and make billions and trillions of more dollars. Damn I’m good…

Afterwords: Ok, this is verified fact...American Idol isn't the first one on the list. That credit goes to Pop Idol. Ellen DeGeneres can't dance worth a bloody fuck and yet insists on grinding her way through the braindead audience who cheer and drool and take off a good 10 years from their life. Idea Star Singer is a Mallu version of Idol, and it went on for as long as it takes a pair of three-toed sloths to meet, start dating, meet each others parents, plan the wedding, copulate like hell, travel around the world 63.674583 times and have a million kids. The second season is currently going on, and is expected to end by February 29, 2064