My first movie review…wheeee!

For a movie that was intended to be titled ‘A Collection Of The World’s Worst Porn Movie Foreplay Dialogues And Some Cheaply And/Or Horrendously Recreated Historical Shit’ (well, it should’ve been titled that anyhow), Jodhaa Akbar was remarkably true to its name (the intended one). Though the actual name isn’t nearly as long as the real one, the actual movie is every bit as long (and superlatively longer) than a REAL MOVIE. There were some cool evil looking bearded and/or bald dudes though, I thought that was pretty wack. But more about that later…

The movie started with a war. Teeny weeny (the dictionary is prompting me to use weenie here, roflmao imagine that, WEENIE!!!) lil Jalal-ud-din Mohammed (that was Akbar’s real name - one of the very few things I actually learned from this movie) led his army (who had gay armor) to an outstanding victory. Actually, he was too teeny weeny (weenie, he he) to do anything but sit on a mountaintop and watch a bearded bald dude (Bairam Khan or whoever…really evil looking though, except for the gay armor) lead his army (GAY ARMOR!!!) to victory. Up until the elephant cavalry (GAILY armored people on top of elephants) arrived anyhow. Well, then I guess the elephant cavalry arrived and started squashing people to a pulp (fyi, being stomped by an elephant, even though it causes you to throw up copious amounts of blood, doesn’t even leave a dent in your gay-looking breastplate! Hm, it must be a gay thing). To cut a long story short, enemy king (At least i think he was the king. He had the most GAY helmet of them all) gets shot through the eye with an arrow and the entire fucking army loses the war in an instant – and the bloody elephant cavalry seemed to have flown away somewhere, coz they sure as hell weren’t anywhere near the battlefield after the war got over.

A few wars, a lot of GAY armor and a lot of cool evil looking bearded guys later, Weenie, er…Akbar gets married to a feisty Rajput princess (grrrrrrrrrowrrrrrr!). The dual wedding ceremony was followed by a bunch of gay singing twirly dancers with what looked like giant clay condoms on their heads. Weenie joins in with a gay twirly dance of his own. After this er…breathtaking performance, we move into the bedroom where Jodhaa flinches at Weenie’s very touch (I’m just speculating here, but I think that was because of the whole dance thingy). The lamest bunch of bedroom dialogues follow, which would make even the most pathetic porn dialogue writer want to kill himself by gagging to death on his worthless scripts and self-extricated testicles.

Well, stuff pretty much went on in infinite-loop-mode for the most part of three and a half hours. If it didn’t, the transition was too boring to be noticeable. More bedroom dialogues, scheming old crone, bloodlust-consumed brother, et al. followed. O yea, then they finally did it. After one of them ‘cold-shoulders’ nights and a prolonged sword fight, she finally moved in with him. They proceeded to do something which kinda felt like the mating ritual of the three-toed-sloth. Thankfully, it didn’t have any dialogues. Unfortunately, it didn't have much other than that either...

Then there was the final battle…Weenie against his evil brother-in-law. After getting some lifesaving advice from his wife’s ex, Weenie challenged bro to a duel. The moron sitting next to me had the sheer nerve of comparing it with Hektor’s fight against Achilles. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to watch Troy or read David Gemmell’s trilogy again.

On the whole, the story was crap, the dialogues were crap and/or indecipherable for the most part, the armor was gay, Akbar's mustache was gay, and the animations were about as realistic as Pam’s boobs are natural. One good thing for people who’re looking to save money on picture postcards, you could probably come and sit in a theatre, watch this movie and get a good 15 to 20 photos, replete with the name of the place, that would be perfect for some postcards, all for just 35 bucks. If not, I’d recommend that you rent out a 20cm x 20cm area of concrete wall for three and a half hours (I think you could manage that for 35 bucks pretty easily) and bang your head against it repeatedly. Take a small er…intermission around an hour and forty five minutes in and go get yourself from popcorn. The overall effect will pretty much be the same.