deep shit

wow, i think i've broken my old record. smashed it even. i haven't fucking slept since tuesday morning. that's since approximately 109 hours and 30 minutes before i wrote this fucking sentence. apparently, my grammar has fallen asleep because nothing else fucking has. four fucking nights of lying on my bed, staring at the fucking ceiling - no, wait, not staring, because i was too fucking tired to even open my eyes. basically, i was just fucking lying there with my eyes closed, contorting my body from one fucking position to the other, hoping in vain that one of them would get me to sleep or at least be so fucking uncomfortable as to make me open my fucking eyes. but no. so i indulged in my favourite pastime...thinking

some stuff i found out

1. i used to be happy, making people around me laugh. very few people now

2. i wasn't a misanthrope. i am now

3. i found it difficult to trust people. i find it unbearably painful to trust people

4. i cared what people thought of me. now i don't give a fuck

5. i used to talk about my problems. that's the last fucking thing on my mind now

6. i used to open up to strangers wen nobody else was around. now, strangers = blog, occasionally

7. i liked reading. i still like reading

8. i didn't think i'd ever consume alcohol. i'm a social drinker

9. i didn't think i'd ever smoke. i smoke when i drink

10. i didn't like using the word 'fuck'. fuck that thought!

11. i used to believe in 'love'. i still do, when i'm not the one being considered

12. i used to believe in god. i laugh at the concept

13. i would've put up everything that popped up into my head. self explanatory

i know 3 and 6 are paradoxical. i hopefully, you get the picture. hm, i think my brain got fried quite a while back. i'm going to post this anyhow