On holy men and shit

Foreword: It is only fair to tell you that the author is a staunch atheist who finds it extremely irritating that his ma rubs religion into his face every single day. If your feeble minds can't stand a bit of religious mockery, you can go fuck yourselves.

“Oh fucketh! If I only kneweth, I could haveth fatheredeth more childreneth than the entireth fucking NBA Players Association. Eth!”

-PlayToe (Plato’s homophonic evil twin brother)

Dramatic recreation of actual events:

Lady: I have terrible headaches o swami.

Swami: Ah, I know just the cure…take off your clothes and let us copulate like hell so that your soul is cleansed by the holiness contained within my loins.

Lady: Ok o holy one. Whatever you think will lead to the cure

*a month later*

Lady: O holy one, the headaches have not ceased.

Swami: Hmmm…this is bad. The evil spirit that resides within you has maligned your soul greatly. I sense a disturbance in your aura that resonates with a growing evil.

Lady: My aura? Is that something like my kidney?

Swami: Umm…technically, o0o look, a birdie!

Lady: Birdie? Where?!?

Swami: Ahem! As I was saying, yours is a particularly difficult case. Do not worry my child, I know just the thing.

Lady: What is it, o wise one?

Swami: Let’s try a different position this time…one of them has bloody got to work. Or we’ll try sequencing them.

Now, seriously, how did this god-man shit get all out of hand? Take a look at this, for instance. It’s appalling to see that nobody fucking reported any of this. He’d have to have people to assist him now, wouldn’t he? No way are people so fucking stupid that they’d believe he was doing something legitimate with the truckloads of little girls that he took into his bedroom. O well, at least the police don’t need to raid any more DVD shops for a while – they have a stock of porno that’ll last them through the next three months. You must’ve heard about the swami who threatened to kill himself at the police station right? Then there is, perhaps, the biggest fish in the ocean.

Have people really become that fucking stupid? Anything that has a religious tag and the mob will gulp it down like anything. Wow, at this rate, maybe one should just stop cutting one’s hair, grow a fucking beard that extends from one’s chin to one’s crotch, preach peace and brotherly love while dealing with illegal arms shipments, be at the centre of a whirlpool of sex, pedophilia, lies, booze, videotape and drugs, shouting out gibberish occasionally, in a state of extreme stoned-ness so that one’s followers can interpret that as a message from god when one was in an enlightened state. All rightie then, one demands to be addressed as Swami Fraudananda from now on. Bow down at our feet, mortals, for we are the reincarnation of the one true god!

Prediction? What do you mean you need a fucking prediction? Oh, all right…we fucking predict that some guy named George who lives in the heart of Papua New Guinea shall die of extreme constipation at the ripe old age of seventy three. Now that that’s over and done with…all the ladies who need a cure for headache form a line in front of our palatial mansion please. We shall call you in one by one...