Friday, May 23, 2008

Enlightenment

We have grown wiser and more mature than all our years, yes we have. We turned 20 today, are also very slightly drunk. Nirvana feels like this, no? Minus the running around naky and shit, that is. We wouldn’t wanna do that now; people would see our PHD and be astounded at the PH-ness of it. Anyhow, let’s get to the point…now what the fuck was it? Fuck that! In all of our matureness we have seasoned our ability to see points where there are none, and make up points when we seem to have forgotten or not gone through them. So the point is there need not necessarily be a point. At this point of time, we are feeling extremely mature and generous and shall infect the world spread the knowledge so that all the gullible morons out there the less benefited people around can imbibe it and transform their lives. Its arbit stuff, so learn well my children (<-- poorly constructed allusion to my PHD).

1. Bird poopies falling on one’s head is a sign of luck. We know a couple of people who have had it happen to them on the morning of a particularly difficult exam and gone on to ace it. We have also seen another person who witnessed both incidents, running around and searching for birds while holding their shirt out, also on the morning of a particularly difficult exam. They did not find a bird that wasn’t constipated on that day and royally flunked.

2. When exams start, mix some laxative along with the bird seed that you hold in your hand. For a more detailed explanation, see point 1.

3. If you have a little brother and someone in your house suffers from constipation, force him to taste everything he gives you to eat (especially if its something only you consume). If he shows the slightest bit of untoward hesitation, consumption of that substance will cause you to poop your brains out and not go to school for the next three days, during which time your best friend will call you up and you’ll explain the entire shitty (<--pun) situation to them and ask them not to tell anyone about it and then, finally, when you get to school, everyone knows about it and you have a new nickname which just happens to be the name of the substance which your younger brother liberally laced with laxative. We were the “best friend” in this lesson.

4. Sticking with poopies, since we’ve already started on that vast subject, it is theorized that bird poopies taste like chicken. This theory arose from an observation. We were sitting in a park and having lunch with some of our friends. One person was feeling very loquacious and wasn’t paying much attention to their lunch box, in which a bird proceeded to mark its territory. Obviously, we didn’t tell them anything as we were fervently wishing they’d take a look at it and shut up, or perhaps start cribbing about it instead of droning on and on about something vaguely as interesting as rubbing an acre of wooden floor with sandpaper. They shoveled another mouthful of the contents of their lunchbox and wondered why their very vegetarian meal tasted like chicken.

5. Some people are tremendously funny. Not as funny as we are, but still. In the twelfth, when we received our English answer paper, one of our friends took it from our hands and went to the teacher’s desk. We got back in our hands a paper which, at the very top, read ‘atter phailure’. We found that incident tremendously funny and thought it would be worth mentioning.

6. There are such things as ghosts. We, for a long time, believed that our classroom was haunted. The ghost seemed to only come out when it was exceedingly cloudy and there was very little light outside. We came to this conclusion after, one day, we found a shirt (under which was a pair of trousers) floating in front of the blackboard, with a piece of chalk rising up from the desk and writing chemical equations on the board of its own accord. We had also seen the shirt turn around and a set of pearly white teeth suddenly appear, as though the ghost was giving us a smile. Ritual exorcisms had the right effect, but with a weird side effect. Our Chemistry professor who hailed from Tirunelveli left the school. We hear occasional reports of haunting from the place he is at now.

7. Drinking vodka in copious quantities regularly is known to cause erectile dysfunction. Drinking it dry has the same effect. We think diluting vodka with beer solves that problem and have also found that after a couple of shots, one stops caring.

8. We have discovered that mixing different alcoholic beverages causes people to act in weird ways, get sickly sentimental and/or say stuff which is beyond the realm of human comprehension. Vodka and beer caused one of our friends to say that we shouldn’t have been drinking and that ‘injurious consumption is alcohol to health’. It causes our father to say various things, from ancient songs to comments about politicians’ ancestries to stuff I don’t feel comfortable mentioning on here :|

9. Fuck! We are still a 19 year old, only a year older…

Now we will sit and ponder and start growing a beard which we can stroke when we are sitting and pondering or when we are pretending to sit and ponder. Unfortunately, we don't have that much facial hair. We are prepared to wait, however...

33 Comments:

Blogger MaStEr KeNoBi said...

Haha.. Anyway.. Happy birthday.. Hope fully u will have a good year..

15:57  
Blogger HeraShort said...

Happy Birthday! You are now officially 2 decades old. =)

17:54  
Blogger g-man said...

bob: thanks bro...

hera: thank you! 2 decades...o0o0o0o

18:24  
Blogger SambY said...

Ahh i turned 20 this january!!! Happy birthday dude!!!

19:00  
Blogger g-man said...

thanks samby!!! nice to see ya on here :)

19:01  
Blogger Beach Bum said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! And best wishes for a good year.

In all of our matureness we have seasoned our ability to see points where there are none, and make up points when we seem to have forgotten or not gone through them. So the point is there need not necessarily be a point.

Many people I'm around try to make sense of this crazy world just the way you described. and in turn lose their sanity when the pieces of the puzzle will not fit together in any way that should make sense to them. But your last sentence fit the nail on the head for me at least. Sometimes there is no point or purpose to existence other than to live a good desent life. Once again best wishes my friend.

19:05  
Blogger g-man said...

thank you very much bb! n i've always thought being indifferent is the best course of action :) i thot most ppl would think those two lines were just slightly funny. hey, i've got family in nc! n i think my cousin is comin over to sc to be a resident. just graduated med school

19:12  
Blogger Nayantara said...

1. You turned royalty? What with the 'we's in place of 'I's!!

2. The poop-exam theory, I shall potty-bly (crappy pun alert) try for my test tomorrow! Strike off one on your (s)hitlist. =/

3. In all of our matureness we have seasoned our ability to see points where there are none,
Uncharacteristically sensible =P

4. Nice post, again!

5. Happy birth-next-day! =)

08:45  
Blogger g-man said...

all the matureness and wisdom hath gone to our head. we will try to get out of it soon, yes we will...

hav to warn ya tho, the day birdie go poopie on my friend, he crashed into a guy on his bike :D so don't go driving stuff on that day :P

thank you very much.

o yea, @ your comments: very p(h)unny =))

09:21  
Blogger Solitaire said...

Happy Birthday Mr. MPD!

09:39  
Blogger g-man said...

we thank you solitaire

10:16  
Blogger Keshi said...

LMAO ur a super funny dude G-man!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAN! *HUGZ*


Keshi.

12:30  
Blogger crazyBugga said...

u look and sound like smeagol [:)]

i hope u share birthdays with him

13:39  
Blogger g-man said...

tyvm keshi!!!

13:39  
Blogger g-man said...

the nasty hobbitses are saying something, precious...we shall kill the hobbitses and take it for ourselves. and we shall be together again, my precious

13:41  
Blogger Nancy said...

ewwwwwwwwww gross. u revel in the poop dont u.

yeah ok it was droll. had to muffle our laughter a coupla times.

and b4 we forget, "Happy belated B'day"(hopefully ur 21st b'day post will be more nifty).

11:30  
Blogger g-man said...

yea, poop very very lucky. even talking about it brings luck :) n tyvm. long time before i turn 21 tho :D

15:16  
Blogger fantasia said...

Anthem, is it?
Gud one fr a twentieth bday...
and yea,
"We are still 19 years old...only a year older!"

15:36  
Blogger g-man said...

anthem? we know not what you mean!

15:48  
Blogger c.H.a.O.s FrEaK said...

Why should you be talking about poopies when you should be talking about cakes and pastries ......poopie for thought

17:08  
Blogger g-man said...

cakes and pastries that taste just a wee bit like chicken when you're eating it in a park, sitting with your friends and talking about something vaguely as interesting as rubbing an acre of wooden floor with sandpaper? all the same thing man :P

17:10  
Blogger Sohini said...

FINALLY I HAVE ONE READER! :)
but i love travellin by train!!!! its one of the most interesting things that has happened to me in the recent weeks.
oh n i am not a journalist. but extremely curious to know y u mistook me to be one. am jus a j school graduate. an accidental journalist if i may put it tht way. am no bloody idealist man.

11:40  
Blogger g-man said...

lol you prolly have lotsa readers, its just that a lotta ppl don't comment :) even we don't mind travelling by train, if it means that we can sit down and read a book when we want to, and we can climb up on to the top bunk and go to sleep when we want to. we absolutely hate stuffy places!

well, after reading wat you wrote, we kinda thought you might be a journo. we can't explain it, it was a kinda instinctive thingy. and yes, we are realists too :)

15:38  
Blogger The Smokin' WDM2 said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

17:09  
Blogger The Smokin' WDM2 said...

haha... dude awesome post. And happy bday buddy

we are impressed.

17:09  
Blogger g-man said...

thank you

lol that was our intention :P

17:44  
Blogger Macadamia The Nut said...

She is rotfl at We
;)
Awesomest post I've read all week.. hell! All month!

01:07  
Blogger Macadamia The Nut said...

P.S. B'lated B'day Weeshes!

01:08  
Blogger g-man said...

maca: thank you very much. that's the best compliment i've received like, ever!

19:30  
Blogger Hari said...

LOL!! LMAO ROTFL!!

Thou art impossible, sire! :-)

Btw, belated Happy Birthday! :P

08:37  
Blogger g-man said...

thank you, and i agree with you on one count. i art impossible. i suck at this archaic english shit

09:46  
Blogger GettingThereNow said...

Wish you a belated Happy Birthday. 20? Good lord! You are 21, just a year yonger!!

:D Good story about bird poop tasting like chicken. Did he really eat it? *Gag*

02:45  
Blogger g-man said...

thank you! wow, 21? woohoo, thank you very much :D

yep, he really ate it. we bore witness with straight faces. not!

thanks for dropping by :)

09:39  

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