We have grown wiser and more mature than all our years, yes we have. We turned 20 today, are also
very slightly drunk. Nirvana feels like this, no? Minus the running around naky and shit, that is. We wouldn’t wanna do that now; people would see our PHD and be astounded at the PH-ness of it. Anyhow, let’s get to the point…now what the fuck was it? Fuck that! In all of our matureness we have seasoned our ability to see points where there are none, and make up points when we seem to have forgotten or not gone through them. So the point is there need not necessarily be a point. At this point of time, we are feeling extremely mature and generous and shall infect the world spread the knowledge so that all the gullible morons out there the less benefited people around can imbibe it and transform their lives. Its arbit stuff, so learn well my children (<-- poorly constructed allusion to my PHD).
1. Bird poopies falling on one’s head is a sign of luck. We know a couple of people who have had it happen to them on the morning of a particularly difficult exam and gone on to ace it. We have also seen another person who witnessed both incidents, running around and searching for birds while holding their shirt out, also on the morning of a particularly difficult exam. They did not find a bird that wasn’t constipated on that day and royally flunked.
2. When exams start, mix some laxative along with the bird seed that you hold in your hand. For a more detailed explanation, see point 1.
3. If you have a little brother and someone in your house suffers from constipation, force him to taste everything he gives you to eat (especially if its something only you consume). If he shows the slightest bit of untoward hesitation, consumption of that substance will cause you to poop your brains out and not go to school for the next three days, during which time your best friend will call you up and you’ll explain the entire shitty (<--pun) situation to them and ask them not to tell anyone about it and then, finally, when you get to school, everyone knows about it and you have a new nickname which just happens to be the name of the substance which your younger brother liberally laced with laxative. We were the “best friend” in this lesson.
4. Sticking with poopies, since we’ve already started on that vast subject, it is theorized that bird poopies taste like chicken. This theory arose from an observation. We were sitting in a park and having lunch with some of our friends. One person was feeling very loquacious and wasn’t paying much attention to their lunch box, in which a bird proceeded to mark its territory. Obviously, we didn’t tell them anything as we were fervently wishing they’d take a look at it and shut up, or perhaps start cribbing about it instead of droning on and on about something vaguely as interesting as rubbing an acre of wooden floor with sandpaper. They shoveled another mouthful of the contents of their lunchbox and wondered why their very vegetarian meal tasted like chicken.
5. Some people are tremendously funny. Not as funny as we are, but still. In the twelfth, when we received our English answer paper, one of our friends took it from our hands and went to the teacher’s desk. We got back in our hands a paper which, at the very top, read ‘atter phailure’. We found that incident tremendously funny and thought it would be worth mentioning.
6. There are such things as ghosts. We, for a long time, believed that our classroom was haunted. The ghost seemed to only come out when it was exceedingly cloudy and there was very little light outside. We came to this conclusion after, one day, we found a shirt (under which was a pair of trousers) floating in front of the blackboard, with a piece of chalk rising up from the desk and writing chemical equations on the board of its own accord. We had also seen the shirt turn around and a set of pearly white teeth suddenly appear, as though the ghost was giving us a smile. Ritual exorcisms had the right effect, but with a weird side effect. Our Chemistry professor who hailed from Tirunelveli left the school. We hear occasional reports of haunting from the place he is at now.
7. Drinking vodka in copious quantities regularly is known to cause erectile dysfunction. Drinking it dry has the same effect. We think diluting vodka with beer solves that problem and have also found that after a couple of shots, one stops caring.
8. We have discovered that mixing different alcoholic beverages causes people to act in weird ways, get sickly sentimental and/or say stuff which is beyond the realm of human comprehension. Vodka and beer caused one of our friends to say that we shouldn’t have been drinking and that ‘injurious consumption is alcohol to health’. It causes our father to say various things, from ancient songs to comments about politicians’ ancestries to stuff I don’t feel comfortable mentioning on here :|9. Fuck! We are still a 19 year old, only a year older…